In My Asylum
by Priestess of Camazotz
Summary: PARODY! LOTRPOTCDegrassiMy life (my real one)...mostly LOTR...at first...supposed to be funny...read and review
1. Introduction

**A/N:** *takes a deep breath as if to give a long speech* PEBBLEDED!!! *blinks, sounding sane* and yes, I know I need to update my other stories. But you see, Cody's not on to ask which one to update, therefore he's unable to tell me which one to update, therefore I cannot know which one to update. *insane again* PEBBLEDED!!! CODY'S F'IN HOT! *stares at his shirtless pic…*

Oh—er—right! 

-

_The Asylum for the Insane that Middle Earth Sponsers_ is on a falling-down sign. Underneath, in what appears to be English, is _:For__ the various causes of such…problems. And under that, yet._

_Author and Character: Rachael_

-

The room was light.

Too light. The walls were white as white could be. 

This was because…well everyone knows asylums are white.

Anyway!

Legolas sat in a chair, glancing around nervously, wishing it was dark. He muttered to himself, "Mary-Sue's…gotta hate…Mary-Sue's…and spiders…and snakes…and—."

"SHUT UP!" shrieked a voice. Aragorn sat in a chair, dressed in all white. He glowered angrily at the Elf. Suddenly, he started to snore. 

Blinking, Legolas glanced around to see a very pretty Elf walking towards him. "MARY-SUE!!!!!!!" He screamed, leaping off the chair, and running down the hall. 

"I'm not a—." screamed the Elf, looking furious. She blinked and sat on the floor, sucking her thumb. She pushed her hair behind her ear and watched the blonde Elf run away. Arwen—the she-Elf—tilted her head and continued to suck her thumb.

Legolas ignored the fact it was, indeed, Arwen, and continued running down the hall. It gradually got darker, for the light was fading. Obviously.

"I hate the light! Must stay far away from the light! NO LIGHT I TELL YOU! Lightness Falls…" he muttered, shuddering, still running. 

Suddenly…

WHAM!

Legolas falled onto his ass and blinked stupidly up into the darkness. 

"Who's there?" comes a female voice, scared.

_Mary-Sue!!!!!!!_ His mind shrieked. 

He blinked and focused on the source of the voice. Finally he could see.

It wasn't a Mary-Sue, although the girl was very pretty. She had long brown hair, and dark eyes, but her ears were pierced. Two in the lobe on each ear, then one in the cartilage. She tilted her head, smiling slightly, showing—gasp—braces! Upon closer inspection, one of her ears, the one with pierced cartilage, was pointy, but the other one wasn't. 

_She's not a Mary-Sue. Mary-Sue's NEVER have braces, nor are they, what appears as, a Half Elf, Legolas. Maybe you can trust her! _He thought to himself, smiling weakly. He wondered what she was there for, she looked pretty sane.

"I'm…um…Legolas. You are?"

"Rachael…nice to meet you…" Suddenly she frowned and turned away from him, looking towards the left. "ALASTAIR! SHUT UP!" She turned back and smiled. "Why are you here?"

"Because…my father…he thinks I have problems…" he sounded tearful. Everyone would have problems if they were constantly plagued by Mary-Sue's. 

Rachael nodded sanely, "I see. What sort of problems? If you don't mind me asking." Suddenly she turned right, and said in a lower voice, "Price-check on prune juice, Bob! Price-check on prune juice!" She turned back and smiled encouragingly.

He shrugged. "I don't mind…and I have…a lot of phobias. Like, I'm PETRIFIED of the light, I'm scared of Mary-Sue's, and you know, my friends thought I was a Marty-Stu, but I'm not. I'm scared of spiders, snakes, large crowds, heights…basically everything…'cept you…so far. Why are you here?"

"Because I have problems too…" she turned left again. "I CAN HEAR YOU, ALASTAIR!" She turned back and shrugged.

"I see…like…?" he asked, tilting his head again.

"I hear voices, lots of voices. The Voices don't like me talking about them, though. Alastair, he's gay, he's got a crush on this guy here! It's hilarious! Um…Revelin! He's like…one of those bad-ass punkers who thinks he's hilarious, mostly sarcastic, sometimes nice. He hates other males, for some reason…Um…Eadoin, he's got issues too. If he wasn't in my head, he'd be here too. There's three others…but I forgot their names…" she lowered her voice a little, but not like it was a male's again, "The guy Alastair likes, he's really hot, but shh…I didn't tell you…"

Legolas nodded, getting over the fact she talked to herself. "I see…"

Suddenly Rachael went stiff. She turned all the way so that her back was to him, and shouted, panicked, "Get out of the hallway, David! I can see you! Stop stalking me! Stop looking at me too!!!!!!"

Legolas stood up and looked down the hall, his Elf eyes letting him see in the dark. There was no one there.

"Um…Rachael?"

"Yes?" she whispered, still sounding panicky.

"There's no one there…Who's David?"

"My ex," she said simply, looking back down the hallway. "I killed him because he dumped me, lying…and now he decides he wants me back, but like…no way!"

Legolas looks at her strangely, finally understanding why she was there. He wondered where she stayed, and if it was in a straight-jacket. 

"He used to work here, and he said I was special because I have a room with padded walls…" she said, smiling, as if talking to the Voices. 

Legolas looked down the hallway, back the way he'd come and saw…a girl. One that acted, and looked, like a Mary-Sue. He could completely tell, he was so well practiced at it. 

"MARY-SUE!" He shouted, jumping behind Rachael. 

Rachael looked down the corridor, eyebrow raised. "That's not Mary-Sue. That's Jakkie. She was the girl David cheated on me with. He dumped her, then went back with me, then dumped me, and then I killed him," she said loudly. 

She grabbed his hand, making him flinch slightly in surprise, and led him down the hall towards 'David'. Legolas followed, having no idea where they were going, or why.

"Where are you taking me?"

"To see the others…"

He frowned slightly, but then shrugged. 

They continued down the hall until Rachael stepped into a grey room. Legolas paused, remembering his fear of the light, and then followed. _Go me!_ He thought.

There in a corner, chained and straight-jacketed, was Haldir. He was glaring defensively at the wall, muttering "Stop lookin at me! I said STOP!"

In another corner, sitting to one of those wheelchairs that one, was a teenager he'd never seen before. The fact the guy was tied to the chair made him glad he wasn't.

"That's Cody…" Rachael whispered, as if afraid the guy would hear. Luckily, he didn't. 

He glanced at the windows, surprised he was surprised to see they were barred. 

He saw a blonde sitting in the corner, but before he could accuse her of being Mary-Sue, she shouted to the room, "I'M TIRED OF BEING OUT-OF-CHARACTER! I'M NOT A MARY-SUE!!! NOR DO I LIKE HAVING A BREED OF MARY-SUE NAMED AFTER ME!!!!" she paused and muttered quietly, "…though it is a little flattering…"

Legolas immediately recognized her as Éowyn and also immediately felt sorry for her. _Must suck…he thought. Glancing around, he froze as a person walked over towards him._

It was Faramir.

"I'll need to know your name, why you're here, and—." He stopped and stared a second, "LEGOLAS?!"

Legolas flinched and felt himself go red. "Yeah…?"

"What the hell are YOU doing here?" Faramir asked, obviously trying not to smile.

Before he could answer, he heard strange, and obscene, shouts. He looked around and saw that Cody was trying desperately to get out of his chair. He pulled at his bindings, his dark brown eyes focused on…Rachael.

Legolas glanced at the girl next to him, she was looking at Cody with sympathy in her eyes. She pulled a shot-like thing out of her pocket and walked over to him. Cody calmed almost instantly. He smiled at her, and she smiled back. Kissing him on the cheek, she stuck the needle into his arm, pushing the back so that the liquid was injected into his blood-stream. She backed up and seemed to wait.

Legolas watched in horror as Cody seemed to begin to get drowsier and drowsier. Suddenly he just…fell asleep. To make things worse, Rachael smiled as if proud of herself. 

She said softly, "When I snap, you'll wake up and be…sane. Understood?"

Cody's nodded, still asleep.

She grinned and snapped. He woke up almost instantly. He glanced around, and smiled when he saw her. Then he glanced at what he sat in. "Um…why am I here?"

"You don't remember…?" she asked, smile faltering a little.

"Um…no?" he frowned, annoyed with himself. Rachael sighed and walked back over to Legolas.

"He's got the worst short-term memory in the entire world. That's why he's here." 

"I see…" Legolas said, smiling at her. "Curious…who all IS here?" 

"There's Aragorn, Arwen, Haldir, you, Gimli, Frodo, Pippin, Merry…Éowyn…Éomer…" she said, thinking hard. She turned left "IT'S NOT A BLOODY CODY-MOMENT!" She sighed and turned back to him.

He frowned. It was the only way to keep himself from cracking up. "I see…and what are they all here for?"

"They're supposedly insane…" she said, annoyed at his stupidity.

"Yes I know. But…what are their individual problems?"

"Oooh…um…Aragorn is pissed all the time, so he's always insulting someone, probably related to Arwen's problem, but he also falls asleep at any moment. Arwen…well…her mind broke. It's all those times of being Mary-Sued—" He flinched "on top of Aragorn's death, and the fact her father hates him so much. Haldir, he's got the same problem as you. He's really scared of Mary-Sues—" He glanced at Haldir, who was still yelling at the wall "Boromir tried to get him off it, but only made him paranoid too. Gimli's here, but he doesn't leave his room. He's not allowed too. Too many Elves here. He's tried to kill Haldir twelve times already. Frodo's here because he's afraid of gay people, especially Sam. He only comes out at noon. Pippin and Merry are locked in this iron cage thing, in different corridors, with straight-jackets. I'm not allowed to tell why. Revelin won't let me. Éowyn…well…you've already seen. And her brother because…he got so paranoid about every guy hitting on her, he tried to kill himself. Yeah…" she took in a deep breath, as she'd said it all on one.

"I remember something!" Cody said. Rachael turned to him, looking surprised.

"What did you remember?"

"You're birthday's the 22nd of January and mine's the 21st of February!" he said, looking proud of himself.

"Good job, Cody!" She smiled at him and then suddenly sat down. It was like her legs collapsed from underneath her. She sighed and glanced around, as if having no idea where she was or why. She tilted her head and stared at Legolas, smiling innocently.

"Who're you?"

He stared at her in surprise. "I'm Legolas…"

"That's good. I'm Rachael. Are you going to give me my fuzzy pink jacket and take me to the padded room?" she asked, smiling still.

"Um…no? Why would I?" he raised an eyebrow.

"I dunno…" she sighed softly.

"Because she had ADD and tends to be self-destructive when she's not acting…normal. She's like Jekyll and Hyde. The Jekyll, she was that a few moments ago. She'd Hyde right now. This is when she's self-destructive." Faramir said, explaining it.

Sure enough, Rachael was holding a scissors in her hand and was holding the blade against her skin. She was smiling like it was completely normal. 

"Oh shit!" Faramir hissed and grabbed the scissors from her. 

Rachael stared up at him, tears in her eyes. She crossed her arms and scowled, sulking like a four-year-old. Suddenly Boromir came in, holding a straight-jacket. He placed it around her, tied it, and led her from the room. 

Faramir sighed. "She always hates me when she's Hyde…"

Legolas yawned, suddenly tired. He glanced around and smiled, seeing a lonely, darkly shadowed corner. He went over to it and sat in it, leaning against the wall. He closed his eyes, wondering what the second day in the asylum would be like.

-

**A/N:** Yeah, it's weird. And yeah, Cody is Cody, that stuff about David (who is, indeed, my ex) happened…well except the killing him part. I just felt like that after he did, but shhh…you all don't know that. 

I pray to God Cody doesn't kill me for putting him in the story, but yeah. I wanted too. It's just fun…now…review!


	2. Crazy Jack, Will, and Pippin

Legolas suddenly woke up. Looking around, he sighed in depression. It been a dream that he'd been put in an asylum. He stood up and stretched, then realized he was cold. Glancing down he froze.

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY SHIRT!!!!" he shouted, whirling around in his little corner. 

Faramir looked at him with an unreadable expression on his face. He pointed up into the…rafters?

Legolas stared up at them, then looked back at Faramir. "Why are there rafters here…?"

"Rachael's parents made us build them. Rachael lives up there during…well…most of her day…" he sighed.

Legolas just stared. "What…?"

"Rachael. She's more than a Jekyll and Hyde. Much more. She's got about twenty different personalities that we know of, and she takes on more every day. Like last night? You saw her Jekyll and Hyde personalities. After you fell asleep, she took on her Creature of the Night personality. She stole your shirt…and Cody's…and fled up into the rafters where we could hear her cackling insanely. Then she went all pyromaniac"—He shuddered –"and she tried to set Aragorn on fire, but we stopped her. Now, she's hiding up in the rafters, probably talking to her Voices…"

Legolas stared in a mixture of surprise and…something else. Suddenly, he could hear the chiming of a bell. He glanced around, the sound was distant, but he could hear it with his Elf hearing. He glanced at Faramir.

"Where are there bells?"

Faramir jumped to his feet and glanced around. He walked over to the corner across from Legolas. "New people have arrived, stay there, don't move…"

"Why—?" Legolas started.

_Tseeeeer__!_

"_AIIIEEEEEE!_" Came a voice, shooting from the rafters. Rachael streaked through the halls like a hawk, heading for the bell chimes. "NEWBIES!!!!!"

Legolas glanced at Faramir who was watching after her, looking annoyed. Shrugging to himself, Legolas followed behind, have no clue why though. 

He entered a room that, like the others, was extremely white. Bright. He flinched and looked for a shadowy corner. He couldn't find one and sighed, crossing his arms. 

Rachael was walking around what appeared to be a pirate. She was jumping up and down, looking excited. When she saw Legolas standing there, she raced over to him.

"Captain Jack Sparrow!!!!!!!!!!!" she shouted at him.

"What?" he asked, looking confused.

She pointed at him. "Cute look!" She smiled and pointed at the pirate. "Captain Jack Sparrow!"

The pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow, smiled and turned to the young man at his side. "Finally! At leas' someone got it right!"

The young man rolled his eyes and sighed. Rachael turned to look at him. "_WILL TURNER!_" she squealed and got on her knees. She began to worship him.

Legolas looked at the Will Turner and frowned. He looked a little familiar, but brushed it off. Being around Mary-Sues was getting to him too much. _That is why I'm here_, he thought. 

Will watched the girl worship him and raised and eyebrow. He picked her up by the arm and looked in her eyes. "Stop…"

"Yes master…" she muttered, looking around. Her eyes landed on a young woman, dressed in strange, yet fancy, clothing. She hissed and hid behind Jack.

Jack half turned to look at her, and then looked back. "I don't think the girl likes you, Liz."

"It's Miss Swann. And do I care?" the young woman said, snobbily.

Legolas stared, then shouted. "Mary-Sue!"

Will whipped around to look at him, then stared around, paranoid. "Where?! Where's the Mary-Sue?" He pulled out a sword "I must kill it!"

Legolas pointed at the woman, who was staring at him, smiling…

Will glared at her, "Elizabeth! You've been possessed by a Mary-Sue!" He launched himself on her and started hitting her head with his fists. "Come out of Miss Swann you foul…dreadful…Mary-Sue!"

Rachael hissed and leapt up into the rafters. Jack looked up and started to try and coax her back down. "C'mere, love. Liz won't hurt ye. I promise! C'mon, git outta those…rafters. I'll protect ye," he said in a low, soothing voice.

Rachael watched him, her back arched like a cat's. She hissed again, then disappeared into the rafters.

Jack looked at Legolas, "We've lost her, mate."

Legolas wasn't paying attention. He was looking up into the rafters. A shadow was crawling overhead, closing in on…

_Tseeeeeer__!_

Rachael shot out of the rafters and landed on the woman, Elizabeth. She began to claw, bite, and pull hair. Will backed off and watched in amusement. Glancing at Jack, Legolas was surprised to see he was gone. Legolas turned around in a small circle, looking for him. Finally he saw Jack, hunched over in a corner, stroaking what appeared to be a model ship.  

"Mine, my own. My preciousssss…" Jack said, giving Legolas the impression of a larger Gollum. He shivered and looked back at Will. 

Will watched the girl-creature attack his love and smiled. Finally he pulled the girl off, and set her on the ground. Rachael froze at his touch and sat there in shock. She continued to growl at Elizabeth, snarling every once in a while. 

Will pulled out a lighter and started to light his clothes on fire. Rachael stared at his nakedness and smiled. She glanced over at Legolas, remembering he was shirtless. She smirked and stood up. 

Legolas stared at her, and she walked slowly over to him. He backed into a wall and she reached him, pressing into his bare chest. He watched her, and she kissed him softly before walking away. He stared after her as she leapt deftly up into the rafters again. 

Will was watching him, standing there naked. He smiled and walked down the hall, his "sword" sticking out proud and straight. Elizabeth watched him walk away, hunger in her eyes. She started after him, but heard a growl and a snarl above her head. 

Looking up she saw Rachael and, shrieking, ran down a different hallway…straight into the arms of Faramir. He sighed and handed her over to his brother, who took her away to be straight-jacketed.

Legolas could hear Boromir promising Elizabeth she would be safe from Rachael all the way down the hall. He looked back at Faramir who was scolding Rachael.

"You know better than to attack people!" he shouted up at her. "Get down out of those rafters _ now__!" _

Rachael dropped slowly to land on the balls of her feet. She stood up straight, only to cower.

"What do you have to say for yourself, young lady?!" he shouted.

"Stop yelling…" she muttered.

"I'm not finished yet! I'm tired of you attacking any female that comes in here!" Faramir shouted.

"Stop yelling…" she growled.

"No! Also! Stop flirting with every single male in here too! You've already got Cody in your web, leave Jack and Will alone!"

At his name, Jack looked up and snarled. "My preciousss!" he hissed and did a very good impression of Gollum's snarling scream.

"STOP YELLING!" Rachael yelled and leapt up into the rafters. 

Legolas could hear her footsteps running away.

"I hate you, Faramir!" she screamed.

Faramir sighed and put his head in a hand. "I need a drink."

Suddenly Jack stood up and appeared normal. "Did somebody say drink? Got rum?"

The man looked at the pirate in disgust, then motioned for him to follow. "Come on…"

Jack shot Legolas a superior look and swayed off after. 

Legolas looked around, noticing he was alone. He sighed and, shivering, started down the hall he thought Rachael had fled down. _I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm not afraid of—_

_BAM!_

He ran into something, but didn't fall on his ass. Instead, the other someone did. He stared in shock. It was Frodo!

"Frodo? I'm sorry, are you alright?" he asked, offering him a hand to pull him up.

 Frodo stared up at him and tilted his head, looking scared. "Fagot?"

Legolas shook his head emphatically. The Hobbit smiled and accepted his hand, standing up. 

"Why are you here?" Legolas asked, looking innocent.

"Afraid of homos…homophobic!" Frodo said, glancing around nervously. "They're everywhere! They are taking over society!" he whispered. "Make them go away…"

Legolas glanced around. "There are no homos around here. Don't worry."

Frodo crouched down, "Yes there is. They hide in the shadows. That's why I never come out except at noon. No shadows at noon!" He smiled and took off at a dead run down the halls. "It was nice seeing you, Legolas! But it's past noon, and the shadows will be back anytime now! Good-bye! Beware Sweet Stuff!" and then he was gone. 

Legolas stared. "What the hell is Sweet Stuff? Or who?" he muttered to himself, turning to keep going down the corridor. 

Suddenly Rachael dropped from the rafters. She smiled and hugged him tightly. "Good morning, Legolas! How was your sleep?" she asked, pulling back to look in his eyes. 

Legolas stared at her, wondering what personality she had at the moment. "It was ok, but you stole my shirt…" he said carefully.

She looked stricken. "Did I really?" she paused, and tilted her head as if listening to someone else. "I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. Revelin says Alastair did it. Sorry…but I know where he took it. He _always_ steals guys shirts from them when they are sleeping. He has like a closet of Cody's shirts…" she winced. 

He just raised an eyebrow, having no idea what else to do. It was pretty obvious she was in her Jekyll mode. 

Rachael took his hand and pulled him a little. "Follow me," she said. "I'll take you to your shirt." She started walking down the corridor. 

Legolas followed. 

"It's easier to get around in the rafters…I hate the floor. I should take up never touching the ground again…" she muttered to herself. Legolas couldn't tell if she was talking to him or not. 

Rachael suddenly stopped and stared into a shadow with horror on her face. "_The girl went on her knees, and bent over me, simply gloating. There was a deliberate voluptuousness which was both thrilling and repulsive, and as she arched her neck she actually licked her lips like an animal…I could feel the soft shivering touch of the lips on my throat, and the hard dents of two sharp teeth just touching and pausing there_," she said, her voice low and in a male's tone. She shook her head and glanced around. Seeing him she smiled again. "Hullo there, what're you doing here?"

He sighed, "You were taking me to get my shirt back…"

"Oh. Yeah. About that, I'm sorry Alastair _always_ steals guys shirts from them when they are sleeping. He has like a closet of Cody's shirts…" she winced. "Follow me…" she saw his face. "What?"

"Why'd you say that? About the girl licking her lips…and…" he stopped, looking suspiciously disgusted.

Rachael blinked at him, then raised an eyebrow. "I what? Oh! Eadoin! He's obsessed with Dracula, you know…the book?" she said. 

Legolas nodded, having no idea what or who Dracula was. But Eadoin, he was a Voice. He just wanted his shirt back. "Yeah…can we get my shirt now?"

"Oh, of course! Follow me," she muttered, heading down the hall again. 

Legolas sighed and started after her. He wasn't going to kill something, but he was a little frustrated that she was so…insane. Oh well, so was he, after all, he was there too. 

Rachael led him to a door. She opened it and walked in. He followed and gasped. There was Pippin, a collar around his neck. A chain attached him to the floor in a corner, it allowed him to run around the small room. Rachael patted him on the head, he purred, and she went over to a pile of clothes. Legolas started after her, but Pippin leapt in front of him and hissed. He stopped and watched him. Pippin scratched himself behind his ear, like a dog, and then rolled over on his stomach. Rachael walked past him, giving him a hug, and handed Legolas his shirt. She smiled. He smiled back and put it on. 

"Thanks, Rachael." 

"You're welcome." She threw Pippin a small bag.

Pippin tore into it. "MUSHROOMS!" and started to eat them like he was starved. 

Rachael pulled Legolas out of the room. "This is wear I leave you. I've got to go feed Merry, the poor lad," she whispered.

"Why are you whispering?" he asked.

"Don't let Pippin hear you mention Merry…" she whispered back.

"Why can't he hear me say Merry?" Legolas said, loudly.

Suddenly there was a clank as Pippin threw himself at the iron door. It was followed by shouts and screams, all in a language unknown to him. Rachael rubbed her temples with her fingers and sighed. "That's why."

"Sorry…" he muttered. 

Rachael leaned against the metal door. "Pippin calm down. He meant merry, as in a merr-go-round."

Suddenly Pippin's voice came drifting out. "I _love merry-go-rounds!!!!" then there was silence save for crunching as he went back to eating his mushrooms. _

Rachael sighed and leapt up into the rafters. "See you around, Legolas!"

"Wait! How do I get back to that one room I was in last night?!" he shouted.

"Follow the blue arrows to the Grey Room…" came her voice, from a distance.

_Good Eru, she's fast…_he thought and looked at the blue arrows on the wall. Smiling, he started off to follow them. He was going to have himself a nice long talk with Aragorn, and maybe get to know Cody, depending on if he was rabid or not. 

_At least it'll never be boring here…_

-

**A/N: **That is really a quote from _Dracula_ written by Bram Stoker. I don't own his works, but I do own a copy of his book. 

**Thanks:**

**short**** one**

**Nienna**** Calafalas **

**Scitzy******

**Thinlammothiel******

For reviewing. And Cody hasn't read this yet, he can't kill me! WOOHOO! Hehe. But neither is he on, so I can't ask him what to update. Maybe I'll write a new fanfic…since I deleted two others…hmm…

R&R!!!

**_I get to go see LOTR:ROTK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!! HEH SORRY…ENDLESS BLABBERING…OH WELL…_**


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